I’m going to get really real here for a bit, because I believe in the power of vulnerability.
Seventeen years ago today my dad passed away. Grief is a “funny” and confusing thing, because today, seventeen years later, I’ll find myself crying, upset, or sometimes mad about it. Especially when I was little I was jealous of the people around me who had their dads in their lives. I know that some dads aren’t very good at being dads, but for me the hardest part was growing up without the chance of having an "earthly" father. It was not being able to enjoy all the things that a young girl or woman could enjoy with her dad. I never wanted to try to hide my feelings or try to not talk about it, because, like I said, there is power in vulnerability. But over the years, my grief showed itself in many ways, and there have been other bumps in the road. Today, I still cry. I still get a little upset and sometimes mad. But there is more peace than there used to be, and there is more serenity than there used to be. For the past two months I have been working at a sub restaurant, and with every order we ask for the person’s name. About three weeks ago, there was a man who shared the same name as my dad - Gary. I appreciated hearing that name. I feel comfort in hearing that name. After that happened, almost every shift since then, I have heard that name. I couldn’t help but think how I have worked in many restaurants over the last few years, and I very rarely heard that name. Then all the sudden it was almost everyday. At one point, I told the customer he shared a name with my dad. He told me that he also had lost his dad, and he gave me the kind reminder that my dad is always with me. (Then I proceeded to bawl in the middle of the restaurant.) In more recent years, as I have grown older, I have consciously tried to find ways to connect with my dad. Hearing his name so frequently, especially leading to the anniversary of his passing this weekend, was a “connection” I couldn’t have imagined. It was a simple and beautiful reminder that God, who created the heavens and the earth, knows my heart. I don’t share these feelings lightly, but with the hope that something may come from this vulnerability.
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This is a blog about the ups & downs of early
adulthood, God's goodness & faithfulness, & life in other countries. “Look at the nations and watch— and be utterly amazed. For I am going to do something in your days that you would not believe, even if you were told."
Habakkuk 1:5 NIV Archives
June 2017
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